Sanity Amidst Ignorance

(Originally written August 25, 2007)

I have three “hypothetical” situations that require legal and social guidance.

First: I am stopped at a traffic light along RT. 71 in Spring Lake at 3:30pm on a dreary Thursday afternoon and (remember, all hypotheticals) the man driving the black Chevy Silverado behind me casually throws his still-lit cigarette out the window. Am I “legally” allowed to get out of my car and throw it back in his window? What if I promise to tamp it out first? If I provide his license plate number can you print it (in a 72pt. bold, serif font) and encourage other citizens to throw cigarettes at him?

Second: a young lady (again, hypothetically tailgating me) manages to lay on her horn while talking on her cell phone (obviously forgetting the 10-and-2 rule) because I stopped at an intersection on Main Street in Belmar in front of the Boathouse to allow a mother pushing a stroller (not hypothetically) to cross the street in the cross walk. Since I am without a horn that blares from my tailpipe, shouldn’t I elicit some sort of response? Certainly I couldn’t slap a boot on her tire and The CLUB on her steering wheel and put her in a “time-out”, could I? What are the legal repercussions if I, say, put my wife’s car in reverse and give the talking honker a friendly “hello”? Should I run this by my wife first?

Third: it’s raining, and has been for days, yet I still can’t drive anywhere in this town without finding some green thumb running lawn sprinklers. Can I smash the sprinklers with a baseball bat? How about a hoe? Please … it would feel so good!

I need answers, kind sirs and madams. The actions I’ve lamented above aren’t rectifying themselves by my whining in the paper. Petting my cat is not helping me fall back to sleep when I awake to the sounds of a sprinkler system hissing to life during an early-morning rainshower. I feel the need to take some sort of action. I’m becoming possessed, obsessed, and distressed. This is my town being polluted, my water being wasted, and my patience (let alone the safety of all pedestrians) being tested. And after all, it’s all about me, right?

What will make the inconsiderateness stop? When will the casual waste end? What is this poor boy to do?